GregoryBowers.com

We’re in the process of cutting the cable TV ties and switching to an ala carte internet streaming/Netflix/over-air HDTV setup for viewing pleasures. In the midst of the switch, I got the harebrained idea of just canceling my Comcast (er, Xfinity) accounts all together, and switch to a different internet provider. I wasn’t keen on getting DSL (don’t think our place even has a landline), but my former provider, Clearwire, had made some marketing pushes (new name, Clear) and they were touting 3-6Mbps WiMax, which sounded alright for my internet needs. I knew it would be a step down from cable’s speed, so I decided to cancel Comcast after things were working with Clear(wire). Good call, that one.

After two days of fiddling with the modems (this time I got a home/stationary modem and a mobile, USB modem for kicks), I made some discoveries:

1. Looks the same. Isn’t. The home modem looked EXACTLY like the old Clearwire modem (which they wouldn’t allow me to use), but in the same “optimal” position (only place I could get 3-4 bars), it performed even worse, barely cresting 1Mbps in one out of ten bandwidth tests. The others ranged from 900Kbps to an abysmal 292Kbps. Comcast was spitting at least 20Mbps, even while I was streaming some video.
2. The mobile modem is even worse than the home modem. This USB abhorrence shipped with a snazzy little thumbdrive containing the driver/connection software. Except, for some unknown reason, it only shipped with the Windows version. After a lot of work, I found the Mac version on their website. Now, had I tried to set things up without an existing internet connection, I’d have been screwed. But it gets better…
3. Mobile needs a redefinition. Even with proper software installed, the mobile modem would not connect. It would attempt, say it was connecting, disconnect, and try again. I set my laptop by the “optimal” indoor location for 20 minutes, and nothing happened.
4. Going outside made no difference. I walked outside, imagining my apartment some wireless scrambling device, much like Gene Hackman’s workstation in Enemy of the State. So I tried some outdoor positions, with no success. My neighbour, Alex, piped up out of the night-time ether, “That Clearwire or Verizon?”
5. Optimal positioning, only 5 blocks from a Clear tower, is on top of a shed, in a plastic bag. Alex explained he and his buddy were using Clearwire, and that they could barely load a website, until they ran some wires out to their shed in the back alley, covered the home-style modem in a plastic bag to protect it from Seattle, and positioned it on the roof. That sped things up. But not amazingly.

So I spent another day trying to “optimise” as much as I could, at one point considering constructing some sort of amplifying antenna out of hangers and foil. I finally, after tripping over cables strung from the living room into the kitchen, decided I’d had enough. Sticking it to the Man (cable monopolies, etc) wasn’t working out this time. I’d just stick with cable, only in internet form.

Thus begins the portion of our story where our hero attempts to cancel his Clear service and return the modems he’d purchased. I searched the Clear.com site for information on canceling service. Anyone who has canceled anything telecom knows this information is rarely published on a company site. Clear’s online FAQs are quite terrible, geared toward selling the inquiring new customer on service. But two things were ever-present on the site: a toll-free number (blegh) and a “Chat Now!” button. I decided on the internet option, as I’m much scarier and intimidating in text. After filling out some cursory info, the following chat took place.

Hello Greg. Please wait while we find a CLEAR specialist to help you.
Your question was: I need to cancel, return purchased modems and get a refund.

There are 25 people ahead of you in the line.

All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.

An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.

There are 22 people ahead of you in the line.

The next available Agent will be with you in a moment.

All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.

There are 19 people ahead of you in the line.

[Truncated: Imagine 30 minutes of updates like the above. It’s like being on a customer service phone queue, with the one advantage of being able to choose your own music and take a toilet break.]

There are 2 people ahead of you in the line.

All agents are currently busy. Please stand by.

An agent will be with you in a moment. Thank you for your patience.

There are 1 people ahead of you in the line.

You have been connected to [REDACTED].

[REDACTED]:  Hi Greg!
[REDACTED]:  I’m sorry that you wish to cancel. May I ask why you wish to end service?

Greg:  I used to use Clearwire about 2 years ago, then went cable, and decided to try it again. And I’m getting worse connections than I did 2 years ago in the same place.

[REDACTED]:  I understand. I am sorry to hear that.
[REDACTED, with cut and paste immediacy]:  Our Account Services department will be able to assist you; if you are the account holder, you can reach them by phone at 888.888.3113 M-F from 6am PST – 8pm PST. They will send you a UPS label via email to return the equipment if leased (at no cost to you). The equipment must be returned and restocked before accounts are canceled. Please do not return equipment to the store, as this will slow down the cancellation process.

Greg:  Ah, so I just waited 30 minutes for a phone number. Awesome.

[REDACTED]:  I am sorry Greg. We cannot cancel online.

Greg:  Thank you for that, at least. Nothing I could have seen on the site.
Greg:  Understandable. Thanks.

[REDACTED]:  Your welcome. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Greg:  Magically making it Monday?

[REDACTED]:  Thank you for chatting with Clear today! If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us. We are available in live WebChat 24 hours a day, or by phone from 9am to 10pm, seven days a week at 1-888-888-3113. Don’t forget you can now get nationwide coverage with our 4G+ service! Have a great day!

[REDACTED]:  Have a good one Greg!

So essentially, I waited 30 minutes to have someone copy and paste information that should have been on their website. Granted, given the speed they expect their users to accept as “super fast,” perhaps 30 minutes is equivalent to downloading such a page on said service.

Here’s hoping they don’t balk on taking back purchased modems with the heavy usage of “being set on a window sill for a day” and “being plugged into a laptop that traveled outside for 20 minutes!”