GregoryBowers.com

I have a tendency, when testing a design or just getting bored with some small details, to write filler copy. While a lot of filler copy in the industry is greeking/”lorem ipsum” or similar derivatives, I did entirely too well in Creative Writing courses to pass up the opportunity for a free write. Also, I tend to write about monkeys. I don’t know why.

For example:

If I were to attack a monkey armed with a chainsaw, assuming I had only a lead pipe, who would win the epic battle?

I mean, I know you don’t always see monkeys wielding chainsaws, but they know that, so it means it would be the perfect way for monkeys to win the epic struggle of man vs beast. I mean, who expects a monkey with a chainsaw?

I’ll tell you who: Me. This is why I carry a lead pipe everywhere I go, including the bathroom and dressing rooms at the mall. Especially those places, because monkeys know the man-ape is vulnerable in those situations.

Why the lead pipe, though, you may ask? Why not a missile launcher, flame thrower or AK-47? Well, little do you know, but monkeys have already cornered the missile launcher black market, and flame throwers need fuel, and really, that shit gets expensive. And I learned, to my dismay, that the police state frowns upon a normal human civilian walking around town with a loaded automatic rifle in his mealy paws. Who knew?

That’s why I use a lead pipe. Simple, heavy, effective. Sure, I had to start working out to deal with the added weight in my every movement, but man, I tell you… it has been worth it. I haven’t run into any chainsaw wielding monkeys—yet—but I have been asked for spare change by random transients, hobos and crackheads, and my-oh-my does a few swings of my trusty lead pipe teach them a lesson! Crack heads, indeed!

But why do they have chainsaws (the monkeys, not the crackheads) in my query? Simple: They’re easy to access by zoo and lab monkeys, and chainsaws are perhaps the most effective battle implement that a monkey could mangle your corpse with (second only to, of course, missile launchers, but those are reserved for the big coup).

I’m very skilled with the lead pipe, as mentioned before, and lord knows the chimps are wicked with their huskvarnas and stihls, but I’m trying to gauge the collective human knowledge cookie jar for magical wisdoms on if I’ll win or not. Tips and tricks appreciated.

Also, I’m very skilled WoW player. I’m in Tier 11 gear and I can pwn all the n00bs on the server.

I know I’m a little unhinged, but you have to test the upper bounds of 2000 character limited fields. Amirite?